


What The Hell Am I Doing Here?

by ready_to_kick_some_ass



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Had To Get Some Emotions Out After Watching, Hurt No Comfort, Season 4 Episode 1 Spoilers, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 14:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18874879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ready_to_kick_some_ass/pseuds/ready_to_kick_some_ass
Summary: Chloe is gone. The silence she left behind is deafening. He fills it with music.(Season 4, Episode 1)





	What The Hell Am I Doing Here?

Chloe is gone.

The silence she left behind is deafening.

He fills it with music. Whenever his fingers touch the smooth surface of the piano keys, they start to elicit the same row of tones. Whenever he opens his mouth to sing, the same words spill from his lips. Whenever he falls silent to take a breath, he feels the same numbness inside his mind.

_I’m a creep._

Chloe is gone.

_I’m a weirdo._

And it shouldn’t hurt so much. It shouldn’t feel like his heart is being torn apart.

_What the hell am I doing here?_

He starts to look for her at crime scenes. But she’s never there. They tell him something about a holiday. Ella looks at him with something in her eyes that might be pity and he turns around because he hates it.

_I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul._

He looks at himself in the mirror and he hates what he sees. He smashes his reflection. There’s blood and pain, but only for a moment. He watches his hand healing with a feeling of disgust burning in his guts. He’s a monster. Really, what did he expect? Of course she’s gone. Of course she won’t come back. Of course she never wants to see him again. Of course she wants to keep her daughter away from him.

He’s a monster.

_I wish I was special._

He’s always been a monster. A monster in disguise. But a pretty mask doesn’t change the rotten insides.

He’s a monster.

_She's run run run run._

Chloe did the only rational thing. She ran away. Away from the monster. He nods at his shattered reflection and smiles bitterly. He gets it. He really does. She’s scared. She’s disgusted. She’s … She’s perfect and he’s the worst. She deserves so much better.

_You're just like an angel._

There were no words of explanation. But no words are a message too, right?

She doesn’t want him in her life. Doesn’t want to share it with a monster. Maybe, he thinks, maybe she is even trying to forget how it felt to kiss me. Who would like to kiss a monster?

I’m sorry, he thinks, bracing himself on the sink, lowering his head. I’m sorry, Chloe. I never wanted to scare you. And if you would be here, I would tell you, that you don’t need to worry. That I won’t pester you anymore. That you and your child are safe.

But deep inside, he still longs for her presence, and it confuses him to no end. He still goes to the crime scenes. He still looks for her. There’s still hope and it’s as painful as is his resignation. He spends the days hating himself and soothing the pain with fantasies and dreams that involve Chloe and _good times_ of not-knowing. The pictures are pleasant, but they hurt too. It’s just another kind of pain. And so he balances between different stages of agony, singing about it day for day, trying to get it _out_.

_Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want_

_You're so fuckin' special._

_I wish I was special._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native speaker and always grateful for being corrected! I'm constantly trying to improve my English, so please don't hesitate to tell me about mistakes. <3
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: [ready-to-kick-some-ass](https://ready-to-kick-some-ass.tumblr.com/) :)


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